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| Fifteen More Minutes of Wasted Time |
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Proof Of Dolphin Amorality
Political Dogs is reporting that dolphins were stranded off Massachusetts while trying to enter the United States apparently to obtain medical services covered under the state's universal healthcare system. The dolphins, many of them with serious medical conditions, several pregnant, were stranded near Cape Cod in what appears to have been an immigration akin to Cuban boat people. While humans have no evidence of dictators running amok within the dolphin world, it is clear that these dolphins needed significant medical attention and that they chose Massachusetts as their entry point to this country for a reason. Massachusetts only recently enacted universal healthcare. So it stands to reason these dolphins were coming here for that purpose.
Turkey Terrorism It you thought we'd seen enough with the animal-loving terrorists who harm people in order to make a statement about cruelty, think again. Now the examples these nuts have set are beginning to inspire animals to act aggressively against humans.A wild turkey in Millstone Township, New Jersey dive-bombed a house and then destroyed part of the interior. This past Monday at 3:00 a flock of turkeys was observed casing a residence. At some point, one of the turkeys crashed into a window and broke into the home. New Jersey State police were immediately called. Trooper Richard Pogorzelski entered the home to see if the perpetrator was still lurking about but upon inspection realized the wayward bird had made a getaway - though not a clean one. According to the home owner, "The bird had relieved himself all over. The room was a disaster." The bird did about $500 in damage to the bedroom of the homeowners' son, 8 year-old Jake. Perhaps not coincidentally, "jake" is what young male turkeys are called by human beings. The infiltrating jake found resident Jake's new $60 Abercrombie & Fitch shirt which he planned wearing to the family's Thanksgiving dinner and pooped all over it. The boy's mother said, "I don't know if it's salvageable." Kim Jung-Il Lands Plane On First Try North Korean leader, Kim Jung-Il, tried flying an airplane for the first time according to the NK Independent Press. Amazingly, he managed to perform a perfect landing on the first shot without a co-pilot aboard. The only rub was he missed the runway and landed on the moon! According to reports, he lingered momentarily and only reluctantly decided to return to Earth because he had a golf game scheduled. Jung-Il is working on breaking his previous record score and was playing with a group of Chinese nuclear scientists who just happened to be on vacation in his country. North Korea doesn't have a space program per se but Jung-Il is now considering starting one.
Sniffing Out Crime? Dogs have nothing over Bartholomew County, Indiana Sheriff's Deputy Jimmy Green. Green was investigating the robbery of a local pizza delivery person when he decided to follow his nose - right to the criminals.The robbery occurred when a man placed a pizza delivery order and then robbed the delivery person when she arrived at the bogus address given with the order. Police combed the area seeking eye witnesses to the crime. They went door to door asking neighbors if they had seen or heard anything. Nobody had but a keen sense of smell provided a clue. Deputy Green went up to one neighbor's house and noticed the scent of pepperoni and sausage pizza. Upon further inspection he saw yellow pages open to the pizza delivery section. Officers followed Green's nose and found a couple pies as well as the cash stolen in the robbery! The moral of this true crime saga is, if you want to rob a pizza delivery person, don't arrange for a delivery in your own neighborhood. But, if you do, at least have the intelligence to go out for Chinese afterwards. Man Lacerates Penis with Hedgehog I guess it goes to show that witchdoctors still hold a lot of power in some places of the world...A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.From Ananova Wal-Mart Sued for Rectal Impalement
This is actually old news, but I never heard about it. And you just can't make this stuff up!
St. Petersburg, Florida - Lawyers representing a Bay area child are in a St. Petersburg courthouse…..taking on corporate giant Wal-Mart, and a product supplier seeking millions in damages. Is This Actually Illegal?
Scott William Poulton, an Australian man in his early 20s, was arrested for driving backwards on an empty highway in the Outback. Police were heading out onto the road when they saw a car coming towards them. They aimed their radar gun to check it out but were not astonished when they saw the car was approaching at a mere 56 km/hour (35 mph). They stopped the car when they realized it was "going the wrong way." The driver told them his transmission had "stuffed up" and the only gear he could use was reverse. So he did ... for about 20 km in an attempt to make it to the closest town.
Police gave the man a breathalyser to determine sobriety which he, of course, passed. The driver was charged with reckless driving and driving while under suspension. It is unfortunate his license was suspended but I wonder what he had done otherwise. Is it illegal to drive in reverse? If so, why are manufacturers allowed to put an illegal gear into a car? For the record, this occurred on the Great Eastern Highway. The man was driving eastward. The cops were driving westward. Aren't the cops the ones who were going the wrong way? Read more about this story: news.com.au metro.co.uk Don't Mess Around With My Phone The Associated Press tells the tale of a woman who rented her phone rather than buy it. She rented it for a very long time, 42 years. Ultimately she paid $14,000 for the privilege! Her family recently discovered this and became angry. They put a stop to the rip-off and replaced her phone with a purchased, modern variety. The woman may never speak to them again, via phone or in person!$14,000 is a lot of scratch unless you perform the simple mathematical operation of dividing it by 42 years. They don't teach that in schools anymore! But doing it yields just $333 per year or $28 per month. Most kids pay double that rate for the privilege of a "FREE mobile phone" these days! The AP reports, customers could have opted out of their leases in 1985 but almost a million people did not. A spokesman for "the phone company" says, "We will continue to lease sets as long as there is a demand for them." And there are benefits to leasing like free replacements and newer models whenever a customer chooses. The woman in question now has an extra few bucks each month but if her phone malfunctions, as all electronic gadgets do, she'll have to wait for someone to drive her to the store, when it is convenient for them, so she can purchase a replacement. She better put her new savings into a lockbox! Oh, and by the way, the woman doesn't care for the newfangled push-button phone. She says, "I'd like to have my rotary back. I like that better." Premeditated?
A woman shot her husband because he fatally shot her chicken in some God-forsaken town northwest of Eugene, Oregon. Police are sure the woman intended to shoot the man because she was pissed he shot her pet chicken. They filed charges against her for assault. They're not sure whether the man intended to shoot the chicken. No charges were reportedly brought against him. He used a handgun but she pulled out her full-blown rifle in reply. He shot the chicken straight up - from the front. She shot him in the back!
Did I mention the couple was doing yardwork but had been drinking all day Monday when the ... um ... gunfight broke out? Heck of a way to kick off the week. The moral of the story is, don't shoot your drunken wife's pet chicken but if you do, either don't turn your back on her or make sure her rifle is locked away in the closet first. Maybe you'd be better advised to get rid of any wife who has a chicken for a pet or a rifle she keeps with her while doing yard work. |
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