Seals are so cute.   They're just like otters except they're bigger and they bark like puppies.   They're so cute, you just want to hug them.   That is highly inadvisable as one woman learned.   She wasn't trying to hug one.   She just wanted to help one she thought was in distress.

The Mubai Mirror reports Elsie van Tonder, a South African woman, will need surgery because a young female seal bit her nose off when she tried to help it back into the sea.   Her nose was found but could not be reattached.   Herman Oosthuizen, a marine biologist with the Department of Environmental Affairs cautioned, "It's a predator, it's got vicious teeth and if it bites you in the wrong place, it could kill you."

It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature!

The latest high tech device, about the size of a two checkers, being used to "sniff out" chemical warfare agents and other dangerous elements consists of a container holding five parasite sized baby wasps.   The wasps are trained to smell suspicious chemicals flowing through a whole in the device, then gather around it.   This clustering is then detected by a teeny tiny camera which then triggers an alarm.   The wasps are trained to do this in order to receive a sugar water reward.   It takes all of 5 minutes to train wasps to detect almost any odor.   The researchers who have been working on this for decades say, "The wasps are cheap and reliable, and you can breed thousands of them."

I'm all for detecting chemical warfare agents but any project which involves breeding thousands, presumably millions, of wasps, has got me worried.   I hope they kill the baby wasps when the task is complete!

While Elvis Presley's dead body may be cold, but dead bodies can bring in cold hard cash too.

Once again the King of Rock 'n Roll is the king of stiff money makers on Forbes.com's annual list of top earners from the crypt, earning an estimated $45 million between October 2004 and October 2005.

Here's the list of the world's wealthiest dead guys for 2005...

1. Elvis Presley ($ 45)


2. Charles Schulz ($ 35)


3. John Lennon ($ 22)


4. Andy Warhol ($ 16)


5. Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel ($ 10)


6. Marlon Brando ($ 9)


7. Marilyn Monroe ($ 8)


8. J.R.R. Tolkien ($ 8)


9. George Harrison ($ 7)


10. Johnny Cash ($ 7)


11. Irving Berlin ($ 7)


12. Bob Marley ($ 6)


13. Ray Charles ($ 6)

Hey, this list is racist! The black guys are at the back of the bus!

It's all about the butt-plugging lifestyle!

I'm a 30-something guy who happens to consider a buttplug as daily wear. I don't think its any more freaky than piercings or tampons and I think they're a great deal safer! I am just one of hundreds, maybe thousands, of people who wear buttplugs regularly -- not for sexual gratification, but because they make me feel good. I aspire to a lifestyle of wearing buttplugs 24/7/365.

Aside from the obvious question of "How can you take a poop?", the question I have is, "what if you get diarreah?"

A woman was in trouble as she tried to collect the first installment on her million dollar lottery winnings!   It seems she used an allegedly stolen credit card to purchase the ticket.   Police learned she had been using the card and executed a search warrant which resulted in her being arrested for numerous theft-related charges, forgery and possession of methamphetamine.   Police said if she is convicted of the charges, she will not be able to collect on the winning ticket."

I didn't know you could use a credit card to purchase lottery tickets but obviously if you do, you should use your own personal Capital One card!

Estelle Reynolds, a crossing guard directing traffic in front of a high school was run over in a crosswalk by a car driven by Marvin Hodgdon.   Hodgdon was presumably rushing to get to his job ---- as a crossing guard at a nearby school.   Hodgdon told police he didn't see her.   Police said she wearing high-visibility safety gear.

I wonder if Mr. Hodgdon will feel safe wearing his "high-visibility safety gear" and holding up his high-visibility stop sign the next time a car driven by a stressed out commuter on the way to his or her job comes racing towards him.   Maybe he'll be careful and stay out of the way of cars approaching too fast.   Then as the car passes his crosswalk, he'll probably curse under his breath or yell at the driver to slow down!

Charles Patrick Dugan of Del Rio, Texas, a retired U.S. Marine Corps infantryman and survivor of heavy combat in Vietnam, gave his rank and serial number to his muscular Jack Russell terrier by calling him Cpl. Jack Russell Dugan, USMC, 2164539, or "Cpl. J.R." for short. Dugan and the dog often exercised by walking through four local cemeteries.

As it neared Veteran's Day one year, Cpl. J. R. ran off unexpectedly. Dugan found the dog scratching at a neglected grave marker. Brushing the debris away, he was amazed to find that the dog had found one of the only military gravestones in the cemetery. It was inscribed with the dog's same name, Jack A. Russell, Texas, Cpl. Signal Corps. After Dugan swept the tombstone clear of debris, the dog rested on the headstone of his namesake who had died during the Korean War.

This story is part of a collection of remarkable dog stories in the new book, "Angel Dogs: Divine Messengers of Love", by Allen and Linda Anderson.

Allen and Linda Anderson co-founded the Angel Animals Network and its free online "Angel Animals Story of the Week".

Teghan Hert, 10, from Omaha, Nebraska jumped on a pitbull and was beating it when her mother and a neighbor restrained her.   The pitbull was, the girl believed, attacking her 4 pound Chihuahua while she had it out for a walk.

The girl's father said, "Even myself, as an adult, would not reach into the middle of that. I don't think she thought anything. I think she wanted to save her puppy's life."

It's a good thing the girl's mother was around to pull the girl off the dog.

What goes Ha, Ha, thud?   A man laughing his head off, of course!   That's the dumb joke my father made just about every day he was alive.   But do you want to hear something really bizarre?

Here's a tale to shiver your spine just in time for Halloween.

A Michigan man severed his skull from his spine but he isn't dead.   He fell down some stairs and landed square on his head.   The blow severed his skull from his spine   Doctors were able to re-attach them using titantium screws and U-clamps.   The man has made almost a complete recovery, walking just days after the procedure and now only having minor difficulty walking around.

A Washington state boy was suspended for three days for wearing a penis costume to a middle school dance.   The boy and his parents agree he should be punished but want sexual harassment charges dropped from his school record.   The boy notes that many students were having their pictures taken with him and he claims he harassed nobody.

What would the school have done if a girl had worn the costume?

Senator Judd Gregg, chairman of the Senate Budget Committee won nearly $1 million in the powerball lottery.   That was the payout for second prize.   Had the Senator gotten one more number correct, he would have won a share of the $340 million grand prize!

Ruth Montgomery, who died on June 10, 2001, recently entered into an agreement with a book publisher to write a new book entitled, "Good Against Evil = Love Versus Fear", explaining how Mankind can save itself from destruction.

Rob Macomber, who recently started a new book publishing business called, "Distinctive Publications for the World", says that Ruth had contacted him through some kind of spiritual means.

Ruth had once been known as "First Lady of the Psychic World", and had authored some books on the subject of the paranormal. About a year after her death, she started communicating with Rob.

Rob basically sits at a desk with a pen in hand, while Ruth uses her spiritual powers to move his hand across the paper, effectively writing the book.

The book is expected to go on sale in 2006.

A company by the name of "Big Ass Checks" is giving "YOU a Chance to WIN A FREE TRIP TO SPACE (No BS)."   The trip will be provided by Virgin Galactic whose "Space Ship One" won that contest to build a relatively cheap spacecraft via commercial enterprise which was heavily reported in the mainstream news media.

Virgin Galactic's site says they are "by the end of the decade planning to make it possible for almost anyone to visit the final frontier at an affordable price."   We do not have any idea what the company plans to charge for this service but you have to admit that if it is truly affordable, it is kind of appealing.   But if it requires a "big ass check" maybe only celebrities and the very wealthy will be able to afford it.

Tiny cell phones are being used to track migrating songbirds as they make their annual treks between North and South America.   The phones will act as transmitters rather than real cell phones since birds do not have the manual dexterity to dial those small keys.   The transmitters will communicate with cell phone towers and each bird's phone will have a unique signal so specific birds' routes and destinations can be tracked.

No consideration has apparently been given in regards to what happens when birds fly into or through dead zones or places where you cannot "hear me now."   It remains unclear whether these phones are only outgoing or can receive incoming calls as well.

Dave's Daily reports the case of a narcoleptic dog from Chubbuck, Idaho named Skeeter who falls asleep when he gets excited.   Whenever the dog gets his food, sees a squirrel, or meets another dog or human, the toy poodle collapses into a deep sleep.   This poses some problems requiring the dog to be hand fed.   Also for the usual doggy walk, his leash has been replaced with a baby stroller.   The vet prescribed ritalin.   I'm not sure why you would want to wake a sleeping dog but the family says Skeeter is their guard dog!

Narcoleptic dogs are pretty rare,   They have been studied by a group at Stanford University since the 1970s.   Apparently narcoleptic dogs have no particular health problems beyond those of less sleepy ones.   Life expectancy is about the same as it is for healthy dogs.

Stanford bred a colony of narcoleptic dogs made up primarily of Dobermans.   I wonder if the AKC will recognize them as a new breed.   I also wonder if and when the university will share this line with the rest of us.   The university offered no details about how you get narcoleptic dogs to mate.   Maybe that's where the ritalin idea came from.

I can imagine approaching a junk yard fence with 5 or 6 Dobermans laying around sleeping.   You still wouldn't venture inside there.   Yet the junkyard would have little risk of legal liability for dog bites and since they sleep a lot, you would think the food bill might be decreased as well.   There are any number of other advantages a sleeping Doberman has over its more wakeful cousins.   It could become a very popular breed but let's leave it out of the competitive ring since this might have its own set of problems.

If kids can get busted at school for having aspirin with them, then just imagine what they'll do when they find kids popping Viagra.

9-year old Julia Vandenberg claims to have her life back, thanks to Viagra.

Thus far, it's the only drug that's managed to successfully treat her pulmonary hypertension. Pulmonary hypertension is when the artery carrying blood from the heart to the lungs becomes constricted causing the heart to swell and beat too fast.

Viagra opens up the blood vessels without any side effects, unlike other drugs available. At least no side for girls that is. Apparently they've tried it on boys, and well, you know what happens.

The guys who run Guinness World Records announced they're adopting November 9th as their own "International Guinness World Records Day".

It's part of the publisher's effort to encourage more people into breaking records.

"International Guinness World Records Day is a call to action for anyone out there who has ever dreamed of getting their name in the book and didn't act upon it," said Alistair Richards, Chief Operating Officer, Guinness World Records.

Guinness has set up a feature on its website allowing folks to claim a record attempt, and track their progress.

According to Guardian Unlimited, UFO clubs are in a serious crisis due to a lack of, well, UFOs.   In Cumbria County which usually has a lot of activity, there were 60 UFO sightings in 2003, 40 in 2004 and none this year.   A UK magazine dedicated to UFOs closed up shop due to the death of its founder.   Some speculate that this or the end of the popular TV show "The X Files" may be to blame.   Apparently, the dirth of sightings has crossed the pond and now threatens ufology in the U. S. as well.

I always feel most comfortable when there is a lot going on, when there are tons of people milling about.   As soon as it gets quiet I begin to wonder if something big and bad isn't about to happen.   It's kind of like sitting on the beach listening to the waves crash with your eyes closed when all of a sudden there is no noise because the water has been sucked out away from the coast.   That's the time to RUN AWAY.   Maybe the same thing is happening with respect to UFOs!!

According to the Houston Chronicle, a species of ant in the Peruvian Amazon uses acid to alter the environment.   The ants reside in D. hirsuta trees.   In order to preserve their habitat, they poison all other kinds of saplings which spring up in their "city."

D. hirsuta tress thrive in the areas occupied by the ants as they face no competition.   The areas maintained by the ants gradually spread in an unusual sort of urban sprawl.

Megan Frederickson, a doctoral student at Stanford University and the scientist who made this discovery, is publishing the results of experiments she conducted in the journal Nature.

Via Neatorama

Do you like clowns?   No, they kind of scare me.   When I was a kid ....

The man pictured to the right is a member of "Circus Psycho," a group whose job it is to dress up like clowns and scare the daylights out of people.   The group roams the Six Flags - Great Adventure amusement park in Jackson, New Jersey during "Fright Fest."   Does anyone know where Joe Divola is?

Something to keep in mind if you find yourself in a place filled with evil clowns, stare them straight in the eyes and show no fear.   Clowns are energized by your fear.   That's what makes them tick.   They feed off of it.

Every site I could find on the subject "fear of clowns" suggests that this is a phobia or, put another way, an "intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger."   Well, if you want to believe clowns pose no danger, then go ahead and mingle with them.   Me?   I think I'll just avoid them altogether.

A mother gave birth to a child after being artificially inseminated with 28-year old sperm.

Daxor Corporation, a medical instrumentation and biotechnology company, made this announcement today, in a case report documenting two successful pregnancies following insemination with semen cryopreserved for 21 and 28 years. The father stored his sperm in 1972 at the age of 28.

It's sets the record for longest cryopreservation of semen resulting in a live birth.

The case report was published in the October 2005 issue of Fertility and Sterility.

A Hampton, VA man is sought for robbing a bank.   He asked his buddies to drive him to the bank so he could open an account.   The bag of money he took contained an ink bomb which exploded after he entered his unwitting friend's car.   The friends split the scene as soon as they figured out what was going on.   The man then tried to pay his cell phone bill using the stained money.

The moral of the story is always pay your cell phone bill with a check even if you don't have any money in the account.

A Brooklyn, NY man died as a result of a "bizarre tattoo parlor incident"   The man had just finished getting a tattoo called "Last Rites" when he got up from his chair and fainted, hitting his head on a glass counter which broke and slashed his neck.   He died at an area hospital.

The man's mother told reporters he suffered from dizzy spells but never went to the doctor because he did not have health insurance.   What this has to do with the story, I can't say but I suppose he died from:

1) the "Last Rites" tattoo,
2) his neck being cut open by a busted glass counter,
3) lack of health insurance, or
4) a combination of any two or all three.

I'd have to guess that it was the bleed out from the cut neck thing by itself.   I don't know the answer to this but, is an uninsured doctor's office visit any more expensive than an elaborate tattoo?

Pennsylvania state Rep. Thomas C. Corrigan is backing a bill which would outlaw marijuana flavored candy.   Pot flavored candy is apparently available via county fairs, convenience and candy stores, as well as numerous websites.   Corrigan says he is frightened of the prospect of children developing a taste for marijuana from eating candy.

Corrigan and Pennsylvania are hardly the first places to contemplate and even enact such laws.   Chicago and Suffolk County, NY already have laws, and Michigan, New Jersey and New York also have bills pending to ban such candies.

I admit to finding the occasional whiff of burning weed to be somewhat pleasant - preferable to incense.   However, I sincerely doubt the taste is something which will catch on with kids.   It just isn't a pleasant flavor.   Imagine tobacco or vodka flavored hard candy!

After we pass laws banning pot flavored candy, perhaps we should consider making root beer and butter scotch available only to those over the age of 21!

Larry Flynt, the guy who runs Hustler Magazine, announced plans today for a chain of casual themed restaurants under the name, "Hustler Bar & Grille".

Las Vegas may soon get the first location. The company is currently seeking a location on the Las Vegas strip.

The casual theme restaurants will feature Hustler and Larry Flynt memorabilia, sports on televisions and a menu offering more than 100 menu selections. Favorites include USDA Prime and Choice steaks, fresh fish, rotisserie chicken, baby back pork ribs, specialty salads, wood-fired pizzas (in select locations), pasta, sandwiches, burgers and mouth watering desserts.

The interior will feature French limestone floors, hand-painted fabrics, contemporary lighting and an abundance of cherry wood.

If you are really hungry but trying to stick to a diet, you should take a moment from your obviously not very busy schedule and visit Bert Christensen's Weird & Different Recipes.   Boogers on a Stick, Crudites With Vomit Vinaigrette, Hairball Salad with Saliva Dressing, French Fried Skunk, and Roadkill Squirrel Squares are just a few of the delectable treats Bert has recipes for on his site.

This is real food - not a joke.   Many of the disgusting looking recipes actually taste good!   Our favorite, with Halloween parties just weeks away, is the Swamp Water Punch With The Floating Arm of Death, pictured here.   This seems very easy to make and will undoubtedly entertain your guests to no end.

But be advised that some of the grossest stuff is actually gross.   While "Chunky Cat Barf" only looks like the real deal and probably tastes pretty darn good, the "Roadkill Squirrel Squares" requires you to go out and find a real, flattened roadkill squirrel.   I lost my interest, and appetite, at the point in the recipe where I was instructed to "pick out all the little hairs."

Looking for a better way to celebrate Halloween this year?   Maybe your children have outgrown the pursuit of candy via begging.   Maybe you are just sick and tired of shelling out all that money for costumes when it's cheaper to just buy them the candy directly.   Maybe you lament the commercialization of all American holidays.   Well, your opportunity to do something more in the spirit of the holiday has arrived thanks to the internet!

Weird USA now provides you the opportunity to adopt a virtual ghost.   There are over 40 ghosts to choose from and it's an entirely free service.   The site notes "All these ghosts are looking for a loving home."   Presumably they will not haunt you if you adopt one but I don't know about the other ghosts already "living" in your residence.   They could get upset about this.

New York City resident and father of 3, James Curry, is auctioning advertising space at his funeral and beyond. Curry is receiving online bids from companies and interested individuals around the world, who would like to advertise on his coffin, in his coffin, at his wake, and more.

The winning bidder will have a logo or message on Curry's metal coffin, a private message to God, a small logo or message on his tombstone, and a musical selection chosen by the winning bidder to be played at his wake.

Curry also plans to do something special for the winning bidder, put in a good word for them to God. But if he ends up going to Hell, he claims he will do his best to prevent the Devil and his demons from attacking the winning bidder.

Cub Foods West Region announced today that it is launching biometric payment technology in all of its 65 stores, allowing customers to pay for groceries with a finger scan that is linked to their financial accounts.

It effectively eliminates the need to carry cash, checks, and cards. Cub Foods says the payment system will be available in all of their stores by November 30.

The system does not work from fingerprints, however. The system, called "Pay by Touch", instead creates a set of 40 data points that cannot be reverse engineered into a fingerprint. The data points are encrypted and converted into a mathematical equation that allows for a secure identity match at the point of sale.

Imagine being able to assign a different credit card for each finger. "Hmmm, my index finger is for Master Card, my middle finger is for American Express, and ring finger is for... Hey wait, is my American Express on my index finger or middle finger?"

Fred and Barney are appearing in a new television commercial for Midas, where he asks, "Is it true you do more brake jobs than anyone else and you guarantee all of your work?"

Rick Dow, Chief Marketing Officer at Midas say, "As America's leader in brakes, we know how to keep Fred and Barney safe on the road for a long, long time. Fred and
Barney can trust the Midas touch."

I'm not sure I'd want to be the guy that has to give him a brake job.

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar of Springdale, Ark., are the proud new parents of their 16th child, Johannah Faith.

The newest little Duggar was born at St. Mary's Hospital on Tuesday, October 11, 2005, at 6:34 am, weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces and measuring 20 inches.

The Duggars now have a total of 10 boys and 6 girls, all with names starting with J.

In honor of the new birth, the Discovery Health Channel will air an encore presentation of the first special, 14 Children and Pregnant Again!, on Wednesday, October 19, at 8 PM (ET/PT). Next year, on March 15, Discovery Health will broadcast another special, Raising Your 16 Children.

Having lots of sex, and getting your own television series! That's what it's about.

You won't find this in Sunday's newspaper, a coupon offering 10% off on your next flight through outer-space.

Brad's Deals has set up a discount program with three different operators of space travel, Space Adventures, Ltd., The da Vinci Project, and Virgini Galactic.

Only the first company, Space Adventures, Ltd., is currently in operation, taking you on an orbit around the Earth, and spending one week at the International Space Station. Their normal price is $20 million, but through Brad's Deals, you get 10% off.

Looking for the perfect gift for your smoking spouse or friend this Christmas? Check out this baby. I don't know what its named but it is otherwise known as Great Britain patent # 2251542.

The patent application describes it as: "An ash-tray assembly comprising a base 9 for holding a CDS photoresistance or photosensor 102, an integrated circuit 10 and a speaker 7, and an upper deck 3 covered on said base for holding a cigarette lighter 5 and an ash-tray. When the cigarette lighter is removed from place, outside light is immediately sensed by said CDS photoresistance or photosensor to trigger said integrated circuit to provide an audio alarm through said speaker, so as to warn a smoker not to smoke."

In other words, it is an ashtray which nags you when you smoke.

Maybe the Surgeon General ought to replace the warnings on the side of cigarette packages (which are presumably well ignored by now) with a coupon for a free one of these guys.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, sponges with spermicide have been used as a contraceptive device for thousands of years as far back as ancient Egypt.

The major difference between then and now was the spermicide commonly in use. The Egytians used honey and crocodile dung! Some sponges were soaked in lemon juice and guess what, lemon is a somewhat effective spermicide!

Another ancient device for preventing pregnancy involved checking a woman's cervical mucus to determine when she was ovulating. This ancient kit contained a tube, a mirror and a little lightbulb. Need I say more? It was used in the 1960s!! But, according to the publication, this proved ineffective since the changes in cervical mucus are microscopic.

Check out more Weird Contraception for your further entertainment.

To follow up on our story about vegetable cruelty, I thought I'd delve into a little about America's upcoming "Thanksgiving" holiday. The census bureau has released its list of facts about the holiday for those in the media to use in light news articles. Among these facts is: the total number of turkeys raised in this country is down 3% in 2005 to 256 million. That's about one whole fat bird for every man, woman and child in the country! The birds' total weight is 7.3 billion pounds with a total value of $3.1 billion.

While animal rights nuts complain about the cruelty heaped on a rather stupid bird as we prepare to give thanks, vegetable and fruit lovers should get really upset. According to the census bureau's figures, the total annual cranberry harvest is something like 649 million pounds and sweet potatoes are another 1.6 billion pounds.

Looking for someplace to surf on the world wide web that will keep you entertained? I think I've got a site for you. It's VegetableCruelty.com.

The site warns visitors, "The images you are about to see are graphic in nature and may be disturbing to friends of vegetables. This website contains violent photographs of vegetables and fruits being tortured, mutilated, mistreated, and murdered. They are not for the weak of heart. By choosing to view these images you hold VegetableCruelty.com harmless for your psychological well being."

The site contains a few sections including "about vegetable rights," "vegetable rights forums," "vegetable rights news," and even a "gallery of atrocities." Somehow the site manages to make me think even for a second that it and the organization are indeed serious. See what you think. The site also offers a video of an example of a being named Luther who is "naturally kind to vegetables" because all he eats is mice!

New York City is thanking riders of its subway system for keeping an eye out for suspicious stuff. The rider is the first line of defense in the local war on terror. In addition to thanking its ridership, the NYMTA wants to remind folks to continue to be vigilant. One of the little tips they give riders is "keep your eyes open for suspicious behavior and inappropriate attire." Just what constitutes inappropriate attire on the New York City subway? And if you witness something inappropriate, who do you call? The fashion police?

Select Comfort, the maker of those "sleep number mattresses" announced the winner of its "Search for America's Sleepiest Couple" contest, Joe and Teresa Tabarez, of Colorado Springs, CO.

"Joe and Teresa struggle with several sleep problems," said Pete Bils, senior director of Sleep Innovation and chair of the Sleep Advisory Board at Select Comfort. "Not only do pain and snoring disrupt their sleep, but Joe works 24-hour shifts as a firefighter. Shift workers typically experience increased sleep challenges and work in environments where sleepiness can be a serious hazard."

As the winning couple, Joe and Teresa will receive The Key to a Perfect Night's Sleep package, including a Sleep Number bed, a trip to New York City where they will receive a private consultation with an experienced sleep expert as well as other bedroom accessories to help end their sleepless nights. The couple will also receive a dream vacation at the Radisson Aruba Resort & Casino, where they will enjoy the personalized comfort of sleeping on a Sleep Number bed.

Contestants had to submit an essay on why they deserve status as America's Most Sleepiest Couple.

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Officially launched on October 12, 2005, Weird News Today is published by Smoking Dogs Media.

Weird News Today is written by...

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