In a recent study performed by researchers at Drew Fallon College near Redding, CA, suggests that people passionate in liberal causes tend to suffer more heart-related ailments.

Susan Belusco, who led the research, managed to gather three study groups, one group of 115 people claiming to be passionate over conservative causes, a second group of 115 claiming to be passionate over liberal causes, and a third group of 115 people who claiming not to pay much attention to political issues, dubbed the "neutral group".

"The conservative and neutral groups seemed to share similar vitals after testings on the EKG and the treadmill", notes Belusco. "Blood pressure readings didn't seem to vary much between these two groups. However, the liberal group showed remarkably higher number of people above the healthy blood pressure range, and treadmill tests suggested a higher number of people with weaker cardiac rhythm, and more stressed breathing."

Overall, Belusco notes the liberal group had an 18% higher rate of cardio-pulmonary risk factors, ranging from hypertension, to smoking, to being overweight.

A psychological analysis conducted by Belusco's assistant, Jonathan Fitz, showed that the liberal group tended to have more sleeping problems, and experienced higher cases of stress. "Tests we've conducted showed the liberal group tended to have higher feelings of hopelessness than with the conservative and neutral groups", Fitz explains.

Dr. Isao Yamashita, who studies the effects of current events on human behavior at Cowle Laboratories, Inc. in Payson, AZ, took an interest in the study and offered some explanations surrounding the results.

"Within the past 10 years, we've witnessed certain events that tend to weigh more heavily on people active in the liberal movement", says Yamashita. "News of global warming, Americans voting for more conservative politicians, the building of more Wal-Mart stores, these things and more are putting liberals under greater stress".

Yamashita also points to more clinical matters, such as a correlation of caffeine addiction with the increase of coffee houses, higher sodium intake with the popularity of tofu-based substitutes, and an increase in electro-magnetic radiation from driving hybrid cars.

The waitrees calmly asked, "may I please see your identification" when the youngish-looking female customer requested she be served an adult beverage.   The customer apparently had some difficulty decyphering the pronoun and promptly handed the waitress her drivers license, the waitress' drivers license, rather than her own.   The waitress' drivers license had gone missing, perhaps been stolen, about a week prior.   The customer was of legal age and presumably had a valid ID of her own with which to prove it.   However, in her haste to produce "your identification," she handed the wrong one to the waitress.   She'll be doing time as a result.   Bad girl, bad girl, what you gonna do when they come for you!

Now do all you criminals finally understand why it is important to pay attention in school?   This could easily have been avoided had the thief's grammar skills been slightly better.

In Ketchum, Idaho, a 12-foot long snake resembling a Burmese Python was discovered in the woods outside of town. When animal control officers came in capture it, they noticed something unusual.

Dave Methlian, one of the officers on the scene noted that, "This thing was extremely fast, it slithered around about as fast as a dog could run". He went on to add that it's eyes seemed to glow red, "and it had these demonic eyes that looked like they were on fire."

They finally cornered the serpent by a fence in the back of a hardware store. Tranquilizer darts wouldn't put the thing down. All the usual tools, harnesses, nets, and hooks became overpowered by the extremely strong snake. When the python began charging towards the officers, Robert Kendall, another officer, racted quickly, "I just took out a gun, and shot it in the head."

It worked.

However, veterinarian Karen Thompson noticed something very unusual about the python upon examination at city's animal control center. "It had electrical wires running through it".

An autopsy revealed a network of electrical wires, circuitry, motors, and what appeared to be power source inside the snake. "It's a bionic snake" replied Thompson.

Authorities don't know where the snake came from, or how long it's been here. There are no leads as to who created it.

Robert Boyd, the city's electrical engineer was brought in to examine the inner-workings of the snake, and expressed amazement, "It's nothing I've ever seen before", he replied. "I mean, I've never even seen this kind of wiring before." He went on to describe the power source, "It's like a rectangular chamber with liquid inside. It appears to be Mercury."

While city officials invited researchers at nearby University of Idaho to come provide further analysis, they plan to keep the snake locally as a future tourist attraction.